There is quite a bit that aggravates me during air travel. Airports are busy places and you have a huge lack of control over almost every facet of it. Once you walk through those doors and get in line for TSA, you’re at the mercy of the Government, greedy airlines, and overworked staff on all fronts. Knowing these things, here are simple rules to make your life better while enduring it, and to keep the social contract that once existed, alive.
1. You’re not the main character. You are in the same boat as everyone else around you. Your travel reasons may be different, but you are all there because something was important enough to justify getting in a metal fucking tube and flying in defiance of every year of human history minus the last 100 or so. Act accordingly. Give up your seat on the tram to someone who looks like balance isn’t something they take for granted. Be overly kind to every worker you encounter — they are not the reason your flight is delayed. Don’t rush the boarding line if you’re six groups away from being called. Your bag doesn’t warrant a seat at the gate. It’s about to get thrown into an overhead bin that hasn’t been cleaned since Bush was in office. Bush Senior.
And the single most important rule: MIDDLE SEAT GETS BOTH ARMRESTS. NO EXCEPTIONS. Want two armrests? Fly first class. Otherwise take it like the peasant you are and enjoy the one you don’t have to share. Don’t come at me with “but what if.” No. Nothing short of that middle seat being completely unoccupied constitutes you using it. Not your bad back. Not your wide shoulders. Not your general audacity. No.
2. Don’t recline your seat if the sun is up. I understand this is a personal rule and many — okay, most — will take issue with it. But I stand by it completely and without apology. You have approximately four inches of recline available to you. The person behind you has approximately four inches of remaining sanity. Do the math. I’m likely banking karma points here that I’ll cash in by not returning a shopping cart at some point, and I’m completely at peace with that trade.
These are not suggestions. They are the baseline requirements for being a functional human being in a confined space hurtling through the sky at 500 miles per hour. We are all in this together whether we like it or not.
Act like it.
Peace, Love, and Gate B7 Has an Outlet If You Know Where To Look, Matt
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