Stress Test

Taking a break from shameless bragging about my recent travel, lets talk about the mental state of things. I’m no stranger to writing about this though its been quite a while since I did one of these check-ins.

Things have been going well. I am happy and fulfilled even if it feels like there is a mounting storm coming after me before the year is over. I can’t talk much about that. Those that know me, actually know me, know what I’m alluding to and understand that it doesn’t need mentioning.

I have found myself lost in my own thoughts more often, disconnected from others and sadly, even a little more disconnected from Jack. It’s not conscious I assure you, he is still my best friend on the planet and I’d die for that little dog.

I think I get caught up not in anxiety but compulsive productivity, busy enough to feel purposeful in one area while wholly neglecting everything else.

Something that’s also largely been a recent habit is effectively having music on 24/7, headphones or however many Sonos speakers are within reach. Here’s the playlist that’s been living in my ears lately.

It keeps me on track. Between contemplating starting Adderall again and having already given up nicotine, music has been what’s kept my ADHD in check.

It’s not a perfect system. I still struggle with executive function, keeping up with lists, poor organization, perfectionism and the constant “waiting mode” game. But here we are. We’re still gainfully employed, working out daily, still have enough humanity to remain a Democrat, and happy overall.

Sometimes, sometimes I poke the bear. Sometimes I do things like chase what summer nights felt like in my 20s by buying a pack of Parliaments and a 12 pack of Lone Star. Sometimes I’m a blatant prick to people online because it’s fun. Sometimes I come up with names like Toyota Fuckrunner or “18 wheel Fuck Face” when I’ve been sitting on 35 for too long.

The important part is to not lose sight of things, to not let these become habit. But to not let my mental health and well being be so fragile that a backslide fucks it all up.

Balance in all things, I think, is what I’m getting at. It’s okay to stress test your mental health from time to time, or to be okay with short term joy at the minor expense of the straight and narrow path you walk most of the time. You’re human, and it’s okay to be human. Anyone that tells you otherwise deserves whatever vitriol you can muster.